A numpty list of flipping awkward questions

What is a FAQ?

FAQ pronounced Pha-Cue is often taken by many to be similar to an abrupt personal directive. It is however Net slang for Flipping Awkward Question. – Next FAQ.

What is the best time to fish?

Fishing should be avoided after heavy meals and whilst operating heavy machinery. Fishing during sex is also considered by many to be ‘not cricket’ and fishing when taking the family around the local aquarium is plain bad angling.

What should I do if I get a hook in my hand, up to the barb?

First, waste no time in screaming like a little pig – the louder the better. This acts as an anaesthetic. Next immediately bathe the affected area in a neat solution of swearwords, this prevents the onset of shock. The third stage is the holding the affected hand between the knees and rocking gently backwards and forwards stage, this is essential for maximum sympathy. Finally, the hardest part is to judge when the bystanders are getting bored. It is at this point that the hook can be removed with a pair of rusty fishing pliers. Repeat the first three steps for added effect.

How long should I leave a bite to develop?

The generally adopted standard time to leave a bite is for 1 Mars bar and a Benson & Hedges or due to new Euro directives, 1 Snickers bar and a Gitane. In particularly difficult conditions, king size chocolate bars seem to work better than most. For pipe smokers 1 Benson is equal to about 2 relights of the pipe. For non smokers a cup of tepid tea is about right.

Are there any proven fish attractors?

The most widely used fish attractor is pouring a cup of tea, this is almost guaranteed to induce a bite. Other common methods include nose picking, throwing your bait in the sea and deciding to pack up, saying ‘It’s a bit dead today isn’t it’ and urinating. Although it takes a lot of practice to use all of these methods simultaneously.

Is it dangerous to fish alone?

The real danger when fishing alone is that when a 400lb Mako Shark lunges up to the beach to snatch a Mackerel from your trace of feathers, no one will believe you.

I’ve heard old fishermen say that there used to be a lot more fish in the sea, is this true?

Old people are like that, it was always sunnier back then and the winters they were bitter. We used to get snow in August when I was young you know.